Compassionate Noticing – Reporting Guidelines

  • Notice that there’s a part of you that directly experiences the body sensations, feelings, thoughts, or impulses, and there’s also an Observer or Witness part of you that does the Noticing. Feel what it’s like to be in this Observer/Witness/Noticing perspective, and what it’s like to be in the Experiencer perspective. Practice shifting from Observer/Witness/Noticing to Experiencing. Notice the different qualities of each perspective.
  • When reporting, use “framing” language that helps you keep your Observer/Witness/Noticing perspective, for example, “I’m noticing my body feels …” or “I observe thoughts about…” or “I’m witnessing a feeling of ….” Some people say, “There is a feeling of…” or “I’m having thoughts about…” or “I see that I’m feeling/thinking….” All these work well. The request is to avoid saying, “I’m thinking…” or “I’m feeling…” without any framing/distancing language in front of it, because in this there is no distinction between the observer and the experience itself. We are having an experience; this isn’t the same as being our experience. It’s not that “I AM angry;” it’s that “I am FEELING anger.” We want to get some distance from our experience — to dis-identify from it — without disconnecting from it. (This is a central principle of Nonviolent Communication, mindfulness meditation, and many other practices known to contribute significantly to our well-being.)
  • When you notice you’ve shifted back into being “caught up in” your thoughts/feelings/body sensations, simply gently bring yourself back to your Observer mode. It can be very easy to go back to identifying with our experience — that is, to think that our impulses, thoughts, feelings, or body sensations are “us” or that they are “true” or “right” or “bad” or “wrong.” This is how we’ve been taught to see our thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and impulses. But, we are not these things, and of themselves they are not good or bad or right or wrong; they are like passing weather, changing at a whim as the result of (for example) what we ate, what we thought someone said, or how we interpret something that’s happened. How we respond to these things certainly matter, and that they are arising certainly can tell us something important about our well-being, but first we must learn how to Be With what is arising. We learn how to do that by simply Being With what’s arising.
  • When reporting, do your best to speak from the Observer/Witness/Noticing perspective. Often we interpret this guideline to mean that we need to strive to “do it right;” we may feel our bodies tense, or feel anxious, or think “I’ve got to do this right.” Use these experiences as part of your practice: simply move into your Observer mode and notice all the things you experience when you remember this guideline, or when you hear how other people are doing their reporting.
  • Each witnessing report takes only a few seconds, and sentences are quite short. If you find that your reports extend for more than a sentence or so, you’ve probably slipped out of witnessing mode and into analyzing or talking about what’s arising. Or you might be imagining that you need to explain what you’re reporting. Let go of the analysis or the desire to communicate or explain anything and return to simply noticing what’s arising, and reporting on only one small part of that. The reports are to support your noticing, not to communicate anything to others.
  • Take care not to report too often. Allow several seconds of silence (preferably more) between your own and others’ reporting. Remember that the purpose of reporting is not to share your experience with others, or to connect with others. The purpose of reporting is to deepen your awareness and experience of your connection with yourself. Also, take care to leave generous space for others to report. Allowing at least a minute or two to go by between reports is a good minimum.
  • If you find yourself analyzing what you’re saying to figure out how long your sentences are, or how long your reports last, or how “good” a report is compared to what others are doing, simply let go of those thoughts and bring yourself back into your Observer mode. You might feel moved to report on that, for example, “I’m noticing comparing,” or “I’m observing trying to figure something out.”
  • If you notice thoughts criticizing or judging yourself or others for anything, you can simply notice and report on that, too. *When this is done from the Observer/Witness/Noticing perspective* it’s often very powerful and transforming for people to report their negative thoughts or feelings towards each other. When noticed and shared from this perspective, the other person isn’t seen as the cause of our experience, they are merely seen as what stimulates or activates something within us. The experience itself is ours, arising from within us.
  • Sometimes people have very intense experiences; let them have their experience. If someone cries or is angry or feels embarrassed, avoid conversing with them, trying to comfort them, or trying to change their experience. Stay with your own experience, and if you’re moved to, report on that.
  • Don’t use other people’s names in your reports, as this pulls their attention away from their own experience (and your attention away from your own immediate experience).

 

Reporting Examples

  • I’m noticing a feeling of weight on my chest.
  • I observe the thought, “Am I doing it right?” and I notice feeling embarrassed
  • I notice I’m feeling afraid and stupid, and there’s a thought “You never know what you’re doing.
  • I’m witnessing that I feel surprised.
  • I’m noticing the thought “You never know what you’re doing,” and I’m noticing a feeling of familiarity.
  • I see myself feeling gratitude and relief, and I notice tears welling.
  • I notice a feeling of annoyance. [Rather than, “I notice I’m feeling annoyed by what Jane said.”]*
  • I’m noticing a feeling of concern; I notice an impulse to give a hug. [Rather than, “I’m noticing a feeling of concern for John; I notice an impulse to give him a hug.”]*
  • I’m observing the waistband of my pants feels too tight.
  • I’m witnessing an urge to offer reassurance. [Rather than, “I notice when I hear John say he feels embarrassed, I feel an urge to offer reassurance.”]*

*NOTE: One of the essential aspects of Compassionate Noticing practice is staying focused on our own experience. Both Compassionate Noticing practice and NVC emphasize that, while what others say and do may stimulate certain feelings or responses in us (e.g., an impulse to comfort or correct, impatience, annoyance, delight, judgment, etc.), our stories and interpretations, personal history, beliefs, old (previously avoided) pain and/or defenses, and even our personal preferences are actually what cause most of our feelings and responses. (Our brains do have some hard-wired responses to certain things, but even these can be diminished or exacerbated by what we tell ourselves about them.)

In particular, both Compassionate Noticing and NVC believe that uncomfortable or painful feelings are guides that let us know that something within or outside us is not contributing to our well-being. Discomfort and pain are opportunities to enhance our well-being by learning how to more skillfully meet our life-needs. Click here for more on discomfort, pain, and transforming/dissolving these.

 

Compassionate Noticing Groups – SUGGESTED GUIDELINES

As always, do what serves you and your community. Only you can discern what will support you in whatever it is you’re wanting to cultivate.

Number of People – This practice can be very helpful when done alone or with just one other person, and we find it becomes noticeably more beautiful and transformational when more people practice together. So far, the practice has worked wonderfully with groups of up to 10 people, both in person and on the phone. We’re guessing that even larger groups could also work well.

Length of Time/Keeping Time – It helps to have someone set a timer for however long the group wants to practice, so that no one has to watch a clock during their practice. (Note: There’s a lovely application for android phones called “Zen Timer” (for a small one-time cost) that offers a variety of bell and chime sounds, any duration, and chimes at the start and/or end of the selected time. Similar applications are available for iPhones as well. Note that these applications only work when in person; for some mysterious reason, when used on a phone call, no one else can hear the chimes.)

Taking Turns – This can be done in order around the circle, or it can be done “popcorn” style, where people speak in any order, whenever they’re moved to. This works surprisingly well both in the phone groups and in-person; people rarely talk over each other.

Creating a Connected, Safe Space – Especially when starting a new practice group, it’s helpful to have a facilitator who most people experience as openhearted and compassionate. For new groups, having each person introduce themselves, perhaps sharing a little about their past experience with meditation or stillness practices, their healing journey, and/or what they like to do for fun/joy, can help everyone feel welcome, connected, and safe.

Once a group is established, having each person “check in” by briefly sharing whatever they need to say to get present and settled is often enough to create a sense of connection for everyone. And, the Compassionate Noticing practice can itself serve as the “check-in.”

(We’ve also begun using the Compassionate Noticing process as the check-in for other meetings of all kinds.)

 

Questions? In Need of Support?

Click here to contact Vika by phone or email. I’d be glad to support you!